my effort versus yours

How much effort are you ready to make for someone?

Is it related to how much you have known them for? What they mean to you? What you feel for them? How much people tell you to make an effort?

When do I decide to invest time in seeing someone smile?

It happened this morning when a little pumpkin was upset and his tone had been noticeably changed a bit back. It occurred to me that I should make him smile, and then I pondered: should I? Why did I care if he were fine or not? Why do I invest so much in someone’s happiness that it becomes a part of me?

He smiled eventually. But how much effort did it take me? Around, combined, ten minutes, between thinking what to say, saying it, and him being busy and replying.

Even if he smiled, did I do the right thing? Or did I invade his comfort zone?

I once dated a very sweet guy who emphasized so much on comfort zones, and little did I know back then what that meant. Now I am grateful for the drawing he left me in my notebook last year explaining how he liked his life to be flowing: He drew two circles, one of diameter two centimeters resembling people’s comfort zones, and one of diameter nine centimeters, his comfort zone. He couldn’t function well if people invaded his comfort zone, he felt as though they were trying to be friendly to him while he had priorities and plans, all in his big circle. Everything he liked was for him only, and he hated having to expose himself to people. Now that I think about it, I wish my own circle was bigger; I always feel obliged to be nice to people, and you reading this right now will related to an incident I was nice to you during.

Feeling obliged to be nice to people doesn’t always serve you well in society. Some people think it’s a relief; they’re just nice to people and things just pass. Others feel frustrated by this feeling and it counter-reacts with them; they are, instead, very not nice to people, at least those they meet for the first time. The smart ones are those who find the balance.

I was trying to convince a friend a few days ago that right now, I am being neutral with a person I know and that this is the right decision. He is unable to see it how I see it, but I am not blaming him, he doesn’t treat people the same way I do. This person I am neutral with now was previously a person I was very friendly to. There is a saying that I strongly believe is true “You want to know if a person is trustworthy? Give them your trust and see what they do with it.” And this is what I do with everyone I meet, of course as long as the situation permits. So I gave a “bucket” of trust for this person, and his reaction wasn’t the same. No problem, not everyone uses this mechanism in treating people. But I never expected that he would abuse/misuse it to reveal his games with the people around us. His alibi was that he does those games to have fun. How do I know I am not a game, just like all the others?  I thus withdrew my trust, and now I am neutral. Am I wrong in my judgment? Absolutely not! This is how my life is. Some of you have that “bucket” and are misusing/abusing it, and I will eventually be neutral with you. Some of you have that “bucket” and are proving to me that the saying is true. Simple equations, really! I hate to be the person who learns every single lesson from everyone else’s life. This is not how things should be. I should be entitled to mess up, and to learn, and then to mess up again and again. Don’t ever give yourself the right to prevent me from. Give yourself the freedom to give me advice, but don’t force me out of a decision.

NB: So March is ending, and in three days we are going to camp somewhere for a night. On the 30th, Juve are playing against Inter, which means him and I are going to be in a 105-minute dispute, that will end with one of us very satisfied, and the other hating his life.


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