that’s how I am

Has it ever happened to you that someone has told you “I don’t want you to get too attached to me”?

Welcome to my April!

Awkwardly enough, I have had this sentence tossed at me twice this month, from two different guys. Let me tell you about each encounter and explain to you why I, personally, don’t mind being attached to people. But before, allow me to say I am not one who believes in the “the more you’re attached, the more it hurts.” Why? Attachment is attachment, it’s a “feeling” not a liquid in a glass. There is no “amount” of attachment, there is either attachment or not. And I don’t believe that it can be mutually exclusive. Attachment, in my dictionary, is a bond. It is either there connecting two individuals or it isn’t. There is no such thing as “she is attached to me” or “he is attached to her.” They’re attached. And if you think those two phrases exist, then definitely 1) I am not avoiding her, thus she is being attached, thus I am also attached and cannot break this bond, this bond exists and we are attached; and 2) she isn’t detaching from him or ignoring him, he is attached to her, she is also in return attached to him or to the idea of his presence or whatever, thus they are attached. Even if you try to blame one party for the attachment, you cannot but blame the second for keeping that “bond” because had they been unhappy with this mutual attachment, the bond would be broken, and the attachment would be void. Pretty complex? Welcome to my mental analysis.

So a few weeks ago, an amazing friend of mine snapped at me and decided to give me the “I don’t want to hurt you, don’t get attached to me or fall in love with me” lecture which, trust me, I have come to memorize. Awkward, right? Why would a girl say she has memorized a lecture like that? It’s only because I am used to it. I am used to loving the people who I decide matter to me, to an extent that they mistake it for being in love with them. Most people from my hometown only say “I love you” to their spouses, boy/girlfriends or mothers and fathers. It’s not very common for anyone to say it to their friends. I know from my personal experiences. Another incident with another friend: I once laughed at a thing he said and told him “you’re funny, I like you,” and cursed the thought of saying it out loud. Liking and loving are only used for relationship purposes, so yeah, it gets harder with time to actually tell people “relax, I love you.” This is exactly why before telling anyone I love them, I make sure they don’t think they are my crushes. It doesn’t always work. I ended up with this friend asking me not to “fall for him.” And the other friend, of course, the one I said “I like you” to, ended up asking me not to care so much because he cannot care that much in return. And he, too, has asked me to care “less.”

How am I ever going to explain to people my theories if we are on totally different clouds?

How do you talk to someone the whole day, the whole night, share with them happy stories, sad stories, your struggle stories, your success stories, and then tell them “hey please don’t get attached”? Am I missing out on something here? Aren’t you supposed to be creating that same bond with me, simultaneously, which is exactly why and how we are becoming friends along the way? Is it not how you do it?

Well, on my planet, on my cloud, in my universe, in my mind, this is how we do it. We love endlessly and don’t wait for things in return.

You ever think I will fall in love with you? Well, I might not. But who knows, I never control falling in love, and I hope you don’t, either. Those who do are prisoners of their mind.

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