Should I stay?
Should I try to stay?
Should I stop wanting to stay and start wanting to leave?
How do you reach the decision to pack and leave? Does it suddenly hit you? Is it accumulated in the back of your head and then suddenly surfaces? Is it a state of mind, wanting not to be here? Is it an existential debate, wanting to choose where to exist?
So I’m faced with it. My sister keeps talking all about how Montreal exists for those who want to be systematic, not those who are trying to be or sneaking their chance to want, and sometimes retreating.
She said that they are simple people there. They wake up, shove snow, ride bicycles, sip coffee, work, wait at bus stops, read, cook, clean. Nothing massive. But they do this systematically. They are not programmed to do so. They simply find it simple to follow the law, the rules, the norms, the orders and whatever else is a synonym.
And after that talk comes the question, every time, “why don’t you come to Montreal to study and eventually live here?”
As I write, this is playing in the background, on repeat.
It keeps me from sleeping, yes this question. And all that drags after it.
“Are you seriously happy here?”
“What’s in it for you, anyway?”
“Aren’t you dreaming of a bigger picture?”
“I still don’t know how you can hold on to this place you call home.”
Am I seriously happy here?
What’s in it for me, anyway?
Aren’t I dreaming of a bigger picture?
Am I really holding on to an illusion of belonging?
What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.