dealing with a breakup

YIkes, this will wear me out, I’m sure.
I’m also sure I won’t be able to write it perfectly, but I’ll try.

We’ve all dated, fallen in and out, walked away, and been walked away from. Here’s my take on it, with a pack of cigarettes, a useless music playlist streaming in the background and a strong coffee to hold me through writing it.

The depressive songs flow, you seek you friends’ company, you drink and go out, you refrain from doing things that remind you of them, and then, when in your room, alone with yourself, in total silence and with a fully awake mind, you think.

First things first, you’re not with them anymore, so stop thinking what if you were still together. A bit of realism, regardless of how harsh, would make perfect sense. Holding on to that reminder, that you’re NOT together now, is crucial, it will make everything else flow smoother than you know.

Why don’t you start off by making a false calendar of 30 days, and in each square write one thing your relationship was struggling because of, or that simply mattered to you but didn’t happen. That thing might be:
1. He forgot our anniversary (the annual one, not the monthly, please).
2. She didn’t call back the day I was nervous about a job interview.
3. He didn’t introduce me to any of his friends during the first three months.
4. She referred to me as “my friend” whenever she was on the phone with someone inquisitive.
5. His parents didn’t like me much.
6. Her mother is really mean. No, I mean, really mean.
7. She mentioned her exes whenever we fought.
8. He stood me up on a date.
9. She wasn’t there when I needed her, more than once.
10. He wasn’t the one, and I knew it all along.

And the list can go on. I’m not asking you to recall bad memories for the sake of depressing over them. There’s a purpose.
Every passing day, when you go to bed, read the square, and scratch it off. After 30 days, you will feel different I promise.

Now, another thing you should do is tape the sentence “things change and life goes on” to your fridge and mirror. I know you know it, and I know you can repeat it, but reading it around over and over is a helpful reminder. Also, read this and understand it well:

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Did you understand it? Can you see a lesson? If yes, great. If not, let it sink in, you eventually will.

There’s an amazing quote that is girlish but anyone can relate to. It says “It may seem as the hardest thing to do, but you have to forget about the guy who forgot you.” It’s very hard, and it will tear your brain and heart of course into pieces. And you will be sad. And you will grieve. But then? S/he is not here, and it is only realistic to accept that. 

Do you love chocolate? Burgers? Milkshakes? Ice cream? Go ahead, pig out. Eat it all, and you will feel better. Don’t worry about the calories and your weight, you’re not eternal anyway.

Do you have a pet? I personally think pets are companions. A bird, a kitten, a fish, or any moving creature you can stare at, observe and find friendship in their silence is of great help. I once got dumped, so I got a kitten. It was so peaceful spending time with Spikes in silence. Spikes never asked “how are you today?” with a sad face.

The lamest thing, in my opinion, that you can possibly do is generalize, especially if you have engaged/married friends or friends of the opposite sex. Don’t ever say “they’re all the same” because everyone, even Spikes, knows that they all aren’t. Heartbreaks hurt emotionally and physically, we all know that. It is one of the worst feelings, we know that too. But the more delusional you are about it, the easier it will get to you.

This one is tricky and we don’t do it because of the curse of stalking that has gotten into us, but you will have to unfollow or unfriend them. They will complain and think you did that out of jealousy or whatever, and they will try to make you sound weaker, at least to their friends, but truth is, you’re a step ahead towards acceptance, which is amazing. Don’t sneak into their profiles, you will be tempted, but don’t. You will take everything personal, and you will know that they moved on before you did, because you were busy stalking and not thinking about yourself.

Don’t act as though you are perfectly fine when you’re not. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, close the seat and sit down. Think a bit, ponder, don’t cry, rant in your mind. Or better yet, don’t be scared of what you’re feeling. Accept your feelings the same way you’re going to accept reality.

It’s not easy for me to write about it, neither write about one-sided love. They are topics that bring memories, sad memories of course.

Bottom line: accept reality, don’t chase things that don’t matter to you, don’t hold onto everyone who wants to let go, don’t let it get to you, and you will be fine.


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