write, fold, seal, send, wait

So how do confrontations feel like for you?

Are you a master of confrontations? Do you do them when necessary? Do you do them when they’re in your favor? Do you do them when you know the end result is positive? Do you do them out of love of risk?
Are you confronted frequently by people? Do you feel awkward when they do? Do you feel shocked when they do? Do you ever wonder what made them do that? Do you ever stop, ponder and then make a good reaction to someone’s confrontation?

There’s a lot more to it than mere questions.

I was having coffee with two close friends of mine today, and I told them about a very weird man with very scary stalking skills. As I was talking, I tried thinking to myself “why hasn’t he confronted me at least? Why has he been writing about me for years, using my initials (because I’m not self-centered to think he means me in every status he writes), sending me indirect messages online? Is it that he is afraid to confront me, or just doesn’t feel like it?”

Now playing this.

That made me think about something else.
Long story short, I confronted someone not so long ago, and his reaction was not something I was expecting at all.
Knowing him, he’s poised, smart, fair. I couldn’t think of one good reason for him not to react, or actually to react in a retreat.
I never intend to scare people, I am someone who thinks about death a lot. I don’t fear death, I don’t want to write about my idea of the afterlife and there is no room here for debate. All what I am trying to tell you, and everyone else, is that I don’t want to die leaving mysteries behind. I want to confront, and to speak, and to be myself however I am comfortable. So I confronted you, I told you I liked you, I told you that you once annoyed me, I told you that us dating is, for me, not possible, I told you that you are really beating around the wrong bush, I told you that your girlfriend is not as compassionate as you. I have told all of you what I have really felt.

But why the varying reactions? Why isn’t everyone comfortable with confrontations? Why do you all want to die and bury with you all your secrets? Why do you think it is smarter to keep it to yourself in fear of being hurt? Why don’t you believe you will ever heal and overcome every obstacle?

It is bound to happen. It is life. Stop running away from moments, and stop chasing after people. Do it once, it’s acceptable, that way you’d say you tried. But running away from moments for so long leaves you with no story, chasing after someone for so long leaves you heartbroken. Do it in a way that would make you happy. I still have no idea how people are unable to sometimes prioritize themselves! I am not selfish, but I know that my own self comes first. I wouldn’t sacrifice haphazardly. Life is divided, when you’re older than 22, into career life and personal life. We all know this. Career life is your 9 am to 6 pm mess, and personal life is your 7 pm to 7 am mess. You don’t always have the flexibility to prioritize yourself in your career life, although I am very convinced you should be doing something you love for a living, and that you should be allowed to take minor decisions, and that you should advance and always position yourself higher so that you aim higher and achieve higher. But you cannot always say “no I am tired, my leisure time comes first” halfway through a project. In your personal life, I believe that however things turn out to be, you have the capability of changing a situation from miserable to awesome, and the other way around. You decide whether you want to keep repeating the sad stories to yourself and live in a sad circle, or put your happy memories in focus and manage to emphasize on wanting more of them.

So yes, you, I’m sorry I wrote, folded, sealed, sent and waited.
It’s not your fault that your reaction is to ignore me, it’s just how you are.
It’s not my fault that my action was to confront you, it’s just how I am.

But I shall go, for I want to lay on the couch and sink into nonexistence in your world now.


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