the change I feared

I’ve been so immersed in whatever it is that I’m doing that I lost a part of me.
Don’t laugh, but my first personal indicator about that is my binge eating and weight gain. You see, I’m not self conscious about food. I don’t calculate calories or carbs. I don’t stay away from caramel or lock bags of chips in the cupboard. But at the same time I don’t spend the nights eating ice cream out of a bucket or popcorn in large quantities.
When I do, however, I realize I have lost a part of me and become too self conscious to know what part, why, and where did it go to.
I started the quest last week. My mom had been out of town and I had been living at my best friend’s house for quite some time. I ate differently not because of that, but because that thing in my mind that kept me from being relaxed.
How fast do things around you change? In my life, there’s a mistake I do frequently, and it’s that I jump into and out of relationships quickly. They might be brief. They might not be brief. But I always make the exact same mistake of rushing to go out with the first guy to ask me out. As dull and exhausting as this may seem, it is. And sometimes beyond that because I always realize that this rushing in itself is wrong. It always becomes a mess, and most of the times when I suddenly realize this, I “change” and the guy doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I have been dumped way more than I have dumped. Some of them were harsh, some others were logical, and some were just not meant to be.
Imagine reliving a story for twenty times. The character becomes drained of character and the feelings lose feelings. How? I don’t know. I become colder, or he does. And it ends.
That isn’t what’s important. Remember I was trying to find the part of me I have lost. So I sat there thinking about the words of a crazy friend of mine. He says “you are the type that cannot survive alone. There always has to be a guy.” Was he right? Was I becoming the girl who cannot enjoy her time? If so, why do I hate all the relationships I start or get involved in? If so, why do I feel cold whenever I become slightly attached to him or he becomes slightly attached to me? If so, why can’t I keep him? I mean, if there always has to be someone, then I’m not supposed to push that someone away, right?
Why was it the opposite?
I push everyone away because I haven’t yet dated a guy who has a full life. All of them wanted to transform me into their everyday activity, depriving me of my space and time. All of them wanted texting 24/7. All of them wanted good morning messages and goodnight phone calls. All of them wanted busy Sunday mornings on a road trip and Saturday nights in pubs. All of them wanted a piece me of I couldn’t give: any piece.
And at the same time, my crazy self loves the attention of a boyfriend. It loves the flirty message. It loves the sudden Sunday morning road trip and sudden Saturday night drinks. It loves hearing sweet words. It loves hugs.
Blend both together and you’d get someone impossible to satisfy: yours truly.
That’s exactly why I push him away. That’s why I pushed the previous boyfriend away. And chances are this is why I will be pushing the next boyfriend away. It’s never on purpose but I cannot find the balance between my “I need my space” character and between my “why didn’t you call” character. This dual craving is killing me. It sometimes puts me down when I really like a guy and end up confused which character to be in. I end up losing the guy of course. But what’s more important is that I end up losing another chance of being the right girl to someone. The girl someone really wants. This description that will make me feel like I’m alright and things will be okay.

Are all those boyfriends trials? Are they elements to prove my hypotheses? Is every relationship another proof that I shouldn’t be in one? Or is it proof that I cannot be alone?


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