the need to feel again

I’ve been trying to formulate a paragraph for the past hour in my head. It has never been harder.

Staring at the ceiling is no longer an option, and sitting motionless waiting for time to pass me by can hardly make the change.

It’s been 7 months since I have last written. Seven months of suppressed thoughts and hyperventilating thoughts. Seven months of fast days, rocketing hours, speeding minutes and countless seconds. Seven months of being sure of something one day and hesitating about it the other. Seven months of planning and destroying and replanning and, eventually, redestroying.

I miss existing, and a huge chunk of me is no longer with me. This is practically what happens when you fall in love. You give a part of you to the other person and if the love is strong enough, you regain it in a more beautiful essence. You lose a sense of your identity, a sense of your being, and you let your emotions drift. Hundreds are the times I put my happiness in his hands, and hundreds are the times he didn’t let me down. But for every high there’s a low, and for every smile there’s a hidden frown.

Days passed and the distance had no mercy. Two meters apart and in thoughts not intersecting. Two seats away and in emotions not connected. I wanted something he couldn’t give, and he didn’t want what I was giving. And then what? How do you move forward after so many feelings?

You think. You sit down with yourself and think:

  1. It is essential and not demeaning to your personality. You have to change, you have to grow, and you are going to have to change, whether you were dating or not.
  2. If you have no reason to stay, this is in itself a reason to go. Make sure you have the reason, and the reason is usually love.
  3. We all need help, it’s the most amazing gift you can offer to the one you love. Offer a hand and watch the rewarding gratefulness blossom.
  4. We all can hear, it’s one of our senses, but we don’t all listen. Listen with an aim to understand the one you love. Don’t listen to reply, don’t let your defense mechanism kick in. Absorb what they’re trying to say.
  5. Always ask yourself the question “am I doing what I really want to do?” and give yourself time to find the right answers. We all want to move forward with our lives, none of us loves lingering in a spot.

So I sat down. For hours and hours. And hours became days. I decided I had to:

  1. Change, because my current personality is nothing but damaged and scarred with memories from the past and things I haven’t yet decided to move on with.
  2. Stay, because he is the man I love and want to grow old with.
  3. Help, because I can and he needs it, and I want to deserve it too.
  4. Listen, because that’s the only way we can communicate and strengthen our love.
  5. Proceed, because I have gone this far in my life with hard work, and I am not going to give up because the winds are against my sails.

Trying to make sense of something when everything around you isn’t making any sense is as difficult as trying to open a jar with wet hands. You want to keep the grip but every force is against you, and sometimes your own strength tricks you into being there but fails to surface. I am not a weak person by nature, I am just an emotional one. I need affection and attention. I need care. I need to feel loved to be able to give from my heart. I need to feel valued and not looked down at. I need to feel appreciated because I am never reluctant when it comes to others. It’s not an attention-seeking dilemma, it’s just that I cannot chase the world to gain its respect, and I don’t want to be taken for granted either.

I don’t like playing the role of the victim but I also don’t like someone ignoring all what I’m going through. It’s not their problem or burden, but the least we can do is give each other hope. You might be standing next to someone who is completely broken without knowing.

Perhaps you also know by now that death scares me a lot. The thought of not existing in this world one day, and possibly suddenly, scares me. Not because I am too attached to this life, but because I have much to accomplish, places to go to, kids to watch over, and successes to reap. I don’t want to leave without making a difference, and without having lived the life I want.

When will the world pay me back and treat me equally?

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