“You can do it. Relax. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in right through your nose baby. I’m here. What do you want me to do?”
She listened to him. Another anxiety attack made her way through their night; their first night together. She was fearing it would happen and hoping it wouldn’t. But it did. And there she was, facing the man she dreamt of but in the weakest positions she can be put in: when her mind was making her feel.
He held her close, and watched her come back to her regular state.
“Look at me. No, look me in the eyes,” he said. She did, and she noticed how beautiful they were. And she focused on listening, nodding for him to start saying what he wanted to say.
“I’m going to love you. I’m going to fall in love with you.” He had a twinkle in his eyes as he muttered those words. She wondered whether she heard correctly, and her mind raced to scan quickly all what they had talked about, all what he had said, all what she had felt. She nodded. She was overwhelmed. But she nodded. And then the pieces of her night fell into place. She lied down next to him, and as he fell asleep, she wrote chapters in her mind. She asked herself a million times whether that was the sane decision, to be with him, at least for now. She asked herself a thousand times whether he was going to start acting weird the next day. She asked herself a hundred times whether he was just another man who was saying just another “bed” sentence. She asked herself ten times whether she really knew who he was. Then she stopped. Stop stop stop. Why the scared thoughts? Why the fears?
She turned to see him. He was still asleep. She kissed his cheek, put her head back on the pillow, and looked at what seemed a starry ceiling.
All the thoughts and emotions of that one nights, all the breaths and the feelings, all the veins, the ins, the outs, the laughs, the kisses and the intensity of a first time couldn’t be more perfect. The ceiling still seemed starry. And that was why she loved it most.