I am currently writing to you to make things better.
I am alone with my thoughts, decisions and emotions, and cup of coffee.
I know I am not the exact person you were waiting for a letter from; I know I already do enough nagging in person, but I promise, in writing it, I feel relieved, so bear with me.
It’s Sunday, and I managed to not get myself semi-drunk slightly-more-than-tipsy over this, though in normal cases I would have. It’s actually cold outside, and I don’t want to be alone at a bar. So, I’m doing this from the comfort of my couch.
So yes, now you want to hear all about it, and I won’t hold it back. Ready? Let’s go.
Yes, you guessed it: a new emotional turbulence. Why? Why do you keep throwing the hardest things at me? Do I look like someone who can handle it?
Well, for starters, yes I can. I like emotions. My problem is with the people my feelings are for. One time they’re unclear. One time they’re confused. One time they carry baggage that only Dr. Phil wants to hear about. I know for someone I was unclear, and for someone else I was confused, and definitely Dr. Phil would fancy a cup of coffee – cups actually – but come on.
Don’t get me wrong, I am neither trying to push anyone away nor criticizing. I am just ranting about my situation; whoever feels offended in the process might as well want to wear that pair a brick-red Converse and take a walk in them to get a hang of what it’s like.
So yeah, I’m good with words, I’m expressive, and right now all I need is a piece of cake. Literally. A tiramisu most likely. And a clearer vision of how things are going to happen with me at least the first few months of 2017.
I can’t plan without my emotions involved. I can’t work properly, I can’t decide properly, and if you know me well enough, you’d easily get that figured out. When I feel nothing, I do nothing. It’s equally alarming the other way round: when I feel something, I do something. The problem is that I never feel a little thing. I’m all in. All of my emotions are magnified, which kind of explains how I end up feeling anxious sometimes.
Back to the point. Emotions that trigger thoughts – the opposite is true – also lead to decisions. Or it’s any way you like it to be. A decision, then an emotion then a thought about that emotion, then an emotion about the thought then a decision. And then an emotion. Another decision. Then another thought. You see it’s endless, and somewhat vicious. I am assuming it is the case with everyone else in the world, but in mine it’s just intense. I cannot feel moderately or decide moderately or think moderately. This is mainly the reason the people I like the most and adhere to the most think I am dramatic. I wouldn’t say dramatic – but I definitely see their point – because to me I am just a highly sensitive person. I feel too much. No, I’m not crazy or unstable. I feel more than expected. And I am sure there are people like that. I needn’t explain it to you because you’re starting to roll your eyes or your min is wandering elsewhere. Don’t worry, I also get that a lot when I start trying to describe how things happen in my head – and heart.
I don’t know what’s hidden this time, but I know that I am scared, and I sense that he is fearing everything I say. Will he hang on at least till I explain it to him?
Some questions shouldn’t and can’t be answered with words. I know. And I hope he’s not lonely without me.