We’ve all read a million articles and posts by people complaining about those who aren’t ready for any sort of commitment in their lives, and we’ve all also secretly agreed that responsibility and the mere thought of being with someone for a long time is a heavy one.
This post is about the opposite, and how I came to the conclusion that readiness is a state of mind, and I am in it.
I tend to love the chaotic lifestyle before 6pm and the calmer but still busy version of it after that. I believe that if you have a good home to go back to after job, the latter will not make you miserable. I love my job. I enjoy working with people and around people. I love conversations and questions. I hold responsibility and rarely escape blames. I listen when I have to, and I try to share my opinion in proper wording. How is that in any sort related to commitment?
I was once at a bachelorette, and the bride’s sister, who’s married with two kids, was telling “all the single ladies” how the next step is and what compromises it needs, and I was all the time listening so attentively that I actually didn’t say a word; I was busy reflecting.
I don’t fear sharing a bed with someone or tolerating their snoring. I don’t have a problem doing the laundry on behalf of another person. I don’t find it difficult to discuss life maters openly. I don’t see it odd that I have to end up living with the fact that people have bad habits and that people disagree. I don’t see it a problem that people fight. This all doesn’t mean that I am the perfect person, but to a certain someone, I definitely am.
One of my very new friends mentioned to me that his girlfriend left him because he is forgetful. I couldn’t help but wonder if he actually questioned the credibility of that alibi. People hurt because they need something in return, and therapists say that a couple don’t hurt each other intentionally, but rather it is expressing a deeper need. I came out of a relationship that involved hurt, and I think I’ve never been more damaged in my life; I know deep down that he didn’t hurt me because he wanted to see me suffer, but rather because he couldn’t express his other feelings which were a mess of their own. I don’t hold grudges because I’m as realistic as death can be. We let go of each other at some point, and I started wondering about whether I wasn’t ready to be committed because the relationship itself made me doubt my most personal feelings. Soon enough, I figured the answer out: I am ready for a shared life, I’m just scared of the unknown.
My grandma says that marriage is like a watermelon, you cannot know how it will turn out to be. But the speed at which the process of meeting-dating-committing-marrying is going is so alarming that you cannot help but think HOW ON EARTH ARE THEY SO SURE?
Truth is, I don’t think anybody is 100% sure their marriage is going to work out. I think the reason a couple get to the realization that they would love to get married is their realization that they’re ready for the “unknown” – regardless of whether they’re really ready or think they are. I know a couple who got married recently, and he keeps wondering how she is still the same post-marriage. I looked at him with one raised eyebrow because I couldn’t believe he was expecting her to change. Who told you she would? Why would she? Have you talked about it at least? Is the change you look forward to witnessing something related to her character or behavior?
I know that chemistry is essential, but I also know that compromises and support are one of the key elements. I am well aware that respect is necessary. I have it established that tolerance and conversations are solutions. I am convinced that communication is the key. And all of those are the elements that make for a healthy relationship BEFORE marriage. If you begin communicating healthily after you’re married, you will unveil things that might pull you apart. If you begin compromising after you’re married, soon enough you will get sick of trying too hard.
My personal opinion on the whole thing: get ready before it happens, and don’t wait for it to happen to experiment with yourself. It shouldn’t take a lifetime before you figure out you’re loved, just make sure you’re channeling your energy correctly.